I'm opening one.

Some of you who have tried contacting me directly over the past few weeks may have noticed me being somewhat despondent or aloof. Moreso than usual, anyway. And when asked about how I feel, I've been responding with "I don't want to talk about it" far too often recently. To those of you who've had to put up with my reticent behaviour, I apologise.

Now, however, I do want to talk about it. And talk I shall.

I do not like to drag my real life into my internet life. My internet life is the fun carnival I get to play around in when my real life is standing on my neck. As such, when I put the two together in the same room, you could say I lose my balance. But this is something that affects me too deeply, and I cannot just hop online and pretend it isn't happening.

My wife and I have been having problems. Insurmountable problems. For some time now, I've felt emotionally bankrupt. Used. Ashamed. Hurt. And every time I've tried to discuss these problems with my significant other, I have been met with indifference. Being the coward that I am, I've just accepted that this is the way things will be. Until a few weeks back.

A few weeks back, events kicked off a change within me. As a result, I feel stronger, more confident. I've rarely felt so certain and clear-minded. And I saw the way I was being treated by a girl who should have been honouring our commitment to one another, and I realised things weren't right. So as always, I tried discussing it with her. And this time, I saw the conversation through to the end.

Over the course of about four or five nights, the process repeated itself. And every time, we became more and more emotionally distraught. Abi would scream at me, I would vent, we'd both cry. Then, ultimately, she walked out and went to stay with her mother for a week.

I've been living on my own for over a week now - with Abi's cat, Blossom, as my only housemate. It's been torture. But I am strong enough to endure it now. We agreed to talk to one another on Thursday about our future together, and how we were going to resolve all this.

Thursday has since come and gone.

Abi and I are going to be separating. And it's a good thing, for both of us. The truth is, we never really managed to appreciate the friendship we had before moving way too fast into marriage. We were childish and impatient. Both of us. I'm not going to shy away from that.

She seems to have moved on already. I'm not so sure about myself, but... I will be okay. I've been hurting for a long time. Now the pain is slowly starting to go away. It's the loneliness that's getting to me. Waking up without someone there beside me. Making a cup of tea for one person. Having nobody to welcome me home from work.

I'm sorry if this entry comes as a disappointment to any of you. I'm sure you all expected better from me.

Those of you who have talked to me in detail about this over the last few weeks (Recon, Kroze, Scott, Kirb, Alpha, Carolyn), I truly appreciate your help and your constant support. I'm sure when I look back on all this, I will shed more than a few tears. But I'd rather shed a few tears in remembrance than cry buckets in regret.

I know this will all seem so phoney given that I've continued to make videos with har-de-har jokes in them over the last few weeks, but... the truth is, that's what keeps me sane. Playing in the wacky carnival, while in the real world there is only the gradual passing of the hours and a cat sleeping quietly in the corner, wondering where her mother has gone.

Abi and I are and always shall be the best of friends.

We just weren't meant to be more than that.